My awkward fascination with dolphins has been well documented to say the least. I’ve written 28 columns on the subject, I have an imaginary dolphin friend called ‘Flipper’ and I have spent many a night sleeping in a fetal position in front of Sea Aquarium. Recently, I was even invited for a swim by Dolphin Academy, which was one of the highlights of my existence. If this paragraph doesn’t show you why I have no friends, nothing will…

Either way, Tuesday December 27^th it finally happened – I got my Dolphin Encounter. What follows is a running diary of that glorious morning.

6:00 AM – Get awakened by sound of own heart beat. HOLY HELL, TODAY IS THE DAY.
6.01 AM – Run marathon. Naked.
6.32 AM – Return from marathon. Still naked, but now with blisters.
6.33 AM – Call Geico.
6.38 AM – Saved 15% on my car insurance. That insufferable gecko was right..
6:43 AM – Come up with a plan to invade Bonaire.
6:58 AM – Realize that the plan sucks as much as my hair. I hate myself.
7:00 AM – Alarm goes off. LET’S GET THIS SHOW ON THE ROAD.
7:01 AM – Hop in shower. Puke uncontrollably.
7:08 AM – Still puking…
7:17 AM – Contemplate wearing a tuxedo.
7:18 AM – Opt for board shorts, t-shirts and slippers. I look good….
7:23 AM – Walk the dog.
7:25 AM – Mr. Bear poops.
7:32 AM – Mr. Bear is still pooping…
7:37 AM – Christ in a hand basket. Stop pooping Mr. Bear!
7:40 AM – Time to go. Projectile vomit…
7:45 AM – Arrive at Dolphin Academy. Pick fight with security guard.
7:46 AM – Get beaten to a bloody pulp.
8:03 AM – Dolphin Academy opens its doors. Time to check in.
8:04 AM – Struts…
8:17 AM – Haters are still hating.
8:19 AM – Puke again. My heart and my tonsils have become roommates.
8:22 AM – The dolphin trainer tells us to go outside. Dave and Flipper are about to spend quality time together.
8:23 AM – Take off shirt. Look like Greek God as my bronzed muscles glisten in the sun.
8:24 AM – Put shirt back on because I look like this guy.
8:26 AM – Spot the dolphins in the water. Pants are officially crapped.
8:27 AM – I’m seeing rainbows, unicorns, midgets and bacon. All is well in our world.
8:30 AM – We’re allowed to go into the water. I might die.
8:32 AM – We’re told that our dolphin is called ‘Pascu’. I wish him a belated birthday and shed a tear.
8: 34 AM – A fish bites me. I punch him in the mouth. Pascu appreciates my bad ass-ness.
8:36 AM – I touch Pascu on the stomach. This is how Neil Armstrong felt when he landed on the moon.
8:37 AM – I lay in a fetal position, never wanting this moment to end.
8:40 AM – It’s time to get kisses from the dolphin. This little kid wants to go first. I kick him on the chin.
8:43 AM – Pascu gives me a kiss on the cheek. Good thing I shaved this morning…
8:51 AM – Pascu and I share a long kiss, maybe too long. I should probably take him to dinner now.
8:52 AM – Call Wine Cellar for dinner reservations. No one picks up.
8:59 AM – Pascu does tricks for us. I legally adopt him.
9:02 AM – I touch his bellybutton. Things have officially gotten awkward.
9:09 AM – Still awkward…
9:15 AM – Time to say goodbye. I DON’T WANT TO GO. WHY IS THE WORLD SUCH A CRUEL AND DARK PLACE?!?
9:17 AM – I sing that Bryan Adams song. Randy thought it was ok. Simon hated it. Paula thinks that I’m the bees knees.
9:31 AM – I still have not left. Security is about to escort me out.
9:32 AM – I add Pascu on Blackberry Messenger only to realize that he has no thumbs, which makes pinging all but impossible.
9:34 AM – Forcefully led out by same guard who beat me to a pulp earlier. I tell him that his mother is easy. He agrees…
9:36 AM – I make my way to the car. I’m sad. I’m elated. I’m exhausted. I feel alive. This was the greatest day everrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

Want to try a Dolphin Encounter for yourself?

Ook leuk om te lezen: